I Am Getting Smaller

My first guest writer.  

Recently my sister, Kim, and I received an email from our brother Scott.  He expressed thoughts that I know many of us share.  With Scott’s permission, I offer his insight:

I Am Getting Smaller

This weekend I had a long round trip to Williston and had lots of time to myself.  It was during this trip that I realized that I am getting smaller.  Not sure when this started but have a pretty good idea why.  And so to stop the degenerative process, I am going to bore you both with this email and so I will apologize in advance. 

I have been getting smaller slowly, so slow I did not notice it until this week.  This week I was pulling up some old financial records and stumbled on to some other old documents.  The first was an email train from Kim.  Kim had sent me an email about her and her girls’ trip to Minnesota describing the snow, the woods and their dog sledding experience.  Over the course of a week or so we exchange thoughts on woods and dogs and life in general.  I enjoyed it so much I saved the emails.  Rereading this exchange started the process of self-realization of how much smaller I am now.  

I started pulling up poems I have jotted down – well not really poems, more like “musings”. They do not really rhyme and lack the brilliance of fine words or even fine thoughts.  So I will call them “musings”, just thoughts or feelings that pop in my head and I can’t shake until I put them down.  That sort of gets them out of my head and stops them from bouncing around in there.  It has been a while since I put these down – getting smaller still.

I also read letters I had saved.  A letter to the editor of the Casper Tribune regarding a school program when the kids were in elementary.  And probably the best letter I have ever written, a letter to the CEO of Sears regarding a servicing of a washer and dryer that resulted in getting both replaced.  It was brilliant.  Getting mighty small now.

I said I do not know when I started to get smaller, but I think I know why.  Partly because of time, getting older is part of it.  I realize as one ages the body tends to get smaller.  The spine curves, muscles atrophy, and body mass is lost.  That’s not what is happening to me, not yet any way.   I am getting smaller in other ways.  Age is partly to blame.  Maybe it is because of the events of the past week, past month, past year, and past decade.  When the kids were around, I had a purpose, they came to me with problems to solve.  A few I hopefully managed to help with.  At Halliburton I had problems to solve that required me to think and to create novel solutions.  I wrote instructions, articles, and investigations.  I was working on my masters – lots of study and writing.

During the long trip this weekend, I thought of these things and realized why I am getting smaller.  I no longer think – just do.  I do not create – just maintain.  Not really living – just surviving.  Now I mostly consume garbage from the TV – just a steady stream of news – mostly with little real insight but driven by slanted political views.  I think that in some ways the whole world has the same problem.  Maybe we are all getting smaller. No more letter writing, just a quick text without much background, thoughts, or “musings”.  Perhaps technology is partly to blame.  Even presidents use twitter to guide the nation – good grief.  I think perhaps working out words and putting them down may help slow the process of getting smaller.    

And so  I thought I would just send you both this email.  Maybe I will not shrink much today.  You may even get a few more ramblings in the coming months.   

I am going to close by adding a “musing” I put down this past week.  It is a sad musing, but that’s ok.  Don’t read into it more than what it is. Don’t try to analyze it or me.  I am OK.  Don’t try to get into my head, it’s pretty dusty in there and might be a bit crowded as well.  I am sharing it with you just because it needs to be aired out and not locked up on my hardrive.  And maybe, just maybe, so that tomorrow I might be a bit larger.

Love you both and looking forward to seeing you both soon.    Scott

We sit together
 
We sit together, the dog and I
and she knows.
She knows I am not what I pretend
and I know she knows.
 
I tell her I am doing ok
but she knows.
I tell her I am getting better
but even I know.
 
It has been two years now she’s gone
and I hope she knows.
Under the spruce where the doves roost she rests
and we sit together.