Peppermint Love

I have, regrettably, come to accept that I am a sexist … a recovering sexist.  I have been guilty of stereotyping, especially, men without realizing it.

My mom is now in a long-term nursing care facility.  It has been difficult watching Alzheimer’s rob Mom not only of her independence, and memories, but also her personality.  It has been just as difficult watching Dad deal with this cruelty, knowing there is nothing I can say or do to make it better or take away his pain.   

Like most daughters, I believe my dad is an exception, an exception to everything. He is a man of integrity with an unmatched work ethic.  He is a gentle and loving father, and a devoted husband.  Over the years, as Mom’s mental acuities declined, Dad’s domestic skills increased.  In his late 80’s and now 90’s, Dad has learned to cook, do dishes, and wash laundry (but not fold and put it away).  He tries new recipes, has inquired about how long to boil eggs (Is fifteen minutes too much?), and Dad no longer adds garlic and jalapenos to everything he cooks.  He has dedicated the last number of years planning meals, shopping for groceries (comparing prices from his three favorite stores), and buying special snacks to please Mom.  He brushed her hair, tied her shoes and assisted Mom with dressing. Now, in the nursing home, you can find him holding her hand, soothing her, spoon feeding breakfast or dinner and encouraging her to have, “one more sip” of juice.  With a heavy heart he kisses her goodnight and goes home alone. An exception.  Yes.  He is an exception, not because he is a man who has accepted a nurturing role, but because of the love and devotion he shares with his wife.  

To be honest, I have not been surprised by the women, wives and daughters, feeding and nurturing their loved ones.  I expect it. I take it for granted.  I have always seen it.  My mother, my grandmother, my sister and my sister-in-law are the “gold standard” when it comes to nurturers.    So, why should I assume that my father is an exception just because he is a man?  This is sexist to both men and women … isn’t it?  

I would have blissfully continued in my uninterrupted ignorance and sexism had it not been for another man.  At the nursing home, you get to know other residents and their families.  In the late afternoons, an elderly man wheels his wife to the sunroom where we often sit with Mom.  His wife is in a Geri-chair (reclining wheelchair) and does not verbally communicate (although she does communicate), and rarely opens her eyes.  Every afternoon her husband brings an ice-cold Coke with a straw.  In the sunroom, he holds the drink as she sighs with joy at the familiar taste and sensation (like I said, she does communicate). Recently her husband was filled with anticipation.  As she savored her Coke, he told me that his wife also loved hard peppermint candy; unfortunately it was a choking hazard.  But tonight … tonight he had a surprise for her.  He found the soft peppermint candies that melt in your mouth.  He broke them into smaller pieces and tested a piece on himself to make sure that it melted quickly enough.  And then, privileged to witness LOVE, I watched as he placed a small morsel on her tongue.  She opened her eyes, connected with her husband and smiled.  

Nurturing is not a male or female phenomenon, nor is love.  After almost 64 years of marriage, 5 children, great joys, great losses, and many adventures, love endures.  It endures in every bite of food spooned, every stroke of the hairbrush, every moment spent holding that familiar hand, and in peppermint candy.  Love endures.

“I, Bob, take thee, Sue, to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God’s holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my love.”